Trial Separation

Today is a bad day.

T has gone away for the weekend - arguably a good thing - but the reality of my decision has been smashed home by his absence.

Not so long ago, we could barely spend a day apart. Now, we can only get through the day if we don't see each other at all.

The thing is; is awkward. Seriously awkward.

This man, that I've loved, for four years, with all my heart I had to give, is just a body to me now. He is a body in bed next to me. He is a body that moves around our home. He doesn't represent that love anymore; I can't get that from him. He is a being that is not there to be touched, or loved, but just...there.

I called him. I missed the sound of his voice.

He is living his life; he might have been sad, but he is moving forward, enjoying himself with his friends. And it kills me. Not because I don't want him to be happy; I do, it's just so hard to think of him existing, living a life I have no part in.

Like I'm nothing. Just a memory.

And that hurts more than I could have imagined. For four years, this man was my everything and I was everything to him.

Now, we're walking in different directions. We might glance over our shoulders to remind ourselves of love, once in a while, but we're just going to move further and further away from each other. Further away from that perfect thing that we had. That I destroyed. That I ended.

He might walk away, but he doesn't have to live with the decision.
If this is a mistake. It's all my own.